Fear the Crab

I think the amount of work that goes into planning a wedding compares only slightly more than the necessary steps to change one’s name after the event.  Maile decided to take my last name, thus beginning the research and paper trails to make it happen.

What makes it seem more complicated is that for some of the agencies, the marriage certificate is needed.  This legal piece of paper won’t arrive for another 120 days, leaving Maile in a sort of limbo, or purgatory.  Social security and a driver license are such examples.

At the same time, the driver license requires that any address change must take place within 30 days of that change.  I know this is more a general procedure for anyone that moves, but for Maile it seems like it would require special attention.  Does she put her maiden name or her married name in the correspondence?  If she puts her married name, will that cause confusion at the DMV as they process the address change?

Another complicated part that doesn’t have anything to do with name changes is the addition of Maile to my health plan.  There is so much paperwork involved with this “lifestyle” change such as beneficiaries, names, addresses, and above all the added premiums I’ll have to pay.

The only agency that seemed to smoothly complete Maile’s name change was American Express.  I highly suspect it has something to do with AMEX wanting to make it as easy as possible for their customers to keep spending money.

I thought I could do our wedding some justice with a few poignant words here, but so much happened and I’m not sure I remember it all. I think this is the important lesson in having any big event; hire other people to help document what happened. I’m thankful that Marina Miller (photographer) and First Class Media (video) were around to capture the activities, and I’m thankful Flaunt Makeovers (makeup) was able to make my good side good. The video guys even managed to get a few shots of me having some foundation applied.

The ceremony was short and sweet, and I said my lines clearly. At least, I think I said the words clearly. I was mic’d with one of those remote microphones, and no one said anything about that clarity of my speech. Then again, I doubt there’d be much I could do if there was a mistake. The ceremony hall was nicely laid out, the acoustics were awesome for Pumehana Wadsworth (harpist), and it seemed everyone we invited attended. Latecomers had to stand because all 120 chairs were occupied. Alice Inoue (officiant) spoke a bit and easily guided us through the rites, though I had to kinda lean over and raise an eyebrow to ask “Now?” for the moment I say “I do.”

Reception was a blast. Amber Ricci and her musicians were awesome, and the music volume was perfect. Spinning WEB (florist) and Les Saisons (chair covers) did a brilliant job with the banquet hall, and everyone seemed both impressed with the decor, and immersed in the occasion.

People tell me the food was excellent and of top quality, which is good because I never had a chance to eat much. The only bite of the cake I had was during the cake-cutting ceremony. I got a little bit of cake smashed into my face, an act which will have Maile suffer some serious repercussions. Even my drinks were barely touched; as soon as I get a wine glass or beer in my hand, I get called away for some part of the program.

Speaking of our program, it was nothing short of efficient. In fact, it was too efficient. Things were going so smoothly, and so QUICKLY, that we had to speed up portions of the program so as not to let the guests get the false impression that the reception was over. Yet people were still getting restless. It made things difficult for the videographer, though, because he had to hurry and edit the recently-shot footage of the ceremony into the video slideshow. We managed to alter a few sequences and make it appear as though the slideshow was the final act, which is a testament to the videographer’s skill in working so fast and our coordinator’s ability to adjust the timing of events as needed.

After the last guest left and we escorted our belongings back to the hotel room, Maile and I promptly took a shower and passed out. We didn’t even touch the leftovers nor the complimentary fruits and champagne left by the Hyatt Regency Waikiki (hotel), which sadly feels like a waste, but we were so tired. In the end, I don’t think I have ever shaken so many hands, nor said so many “thank yous” as I did that day.

Wouldn’t trade it in for the world, though. I remember whilst we were dancing to “Girl from Ipanema” I looked down at Maile and said that it only just hit me then, that we were now husband and wife, not just a couple that had been together for 8 years prior.

Some of the highlights I also remember:
* First Dance: “At Last” is a pretty long song.
* Best man’s speech was really well done, considering it was made up that very moment.
* Banzai toasts were kick-ass.
* Can’t wait to see the pictures and video program.

The day started off as usual, with a bit of laundry.  I spent the better part of the morning vacuuming Maile’s van to get rid of as much dog fur as I could.  The vacuum cleaner I have doesn’t have a carpet attachment, so I had to use this dog-fur-removal brush with rubber bristles and “comb” it along the upholstery with the vacuum hose close by.  Considering the size of the minivan, it was a significant effort, and yet I still haven’t gotten everything out.  Some of that fur has just taken root.

The vacuuming was necessary because starting tomorrow Maile and I will be using the van to ferry people and materials around in preparation for the festivities on Sunday.  The big thing for Saturday will be picking up the dresses, so we don’t want dog fur clinging to the bridal party as they make their way down the aisle.

But that’s tomorrow.  Today involved a few more activities.  Next on the agenda was getting my car-deprived groomsman to the boutique so he could try on his tuxedo.  Unlike mine and my brother’s experiences, George’s tuxedo fit perfectly.  The alterations for the rest of the tuxedos were finished, so I took home all three sets.

After the fitting, I picked up George’s family, and we inched through the beginnings of rush-hour traffic to attend the rehearsal at the hotel.  We were among the first to arrive, and as everyone slowly gathered, we ran through the motions a couple of times.

The guys have it easy.  We’ll be standing behind a screen and some panels in the front, out of sight, with the officiant until it is time to start.  Then we’ll march in order of our standing positions around the edge and take our places at the archway.

The women will be waiting in the banquet hall (since it’s right next door to the ceremony site), and when the ceremony begins, they will make the long walk down the aisle towards the waiting men.  While they make their way towards us, the guys have to stand with hands clasped in front, something a bit unnatural to all of us, but we all agree that it looks a bit better than hands behind.

When Maile arrives, I have a few procedures I have to remember to perform.  First I need to “greet” Maile’s mom (who will be escorting her down the aisle), and that can be either in the form of a hug or handshake, before I take Maile’s hand that her mother gives.  Then, and this is very important, wait for Maile’s mom to step away, and then take Maile’s arm around mine and face the officiant.

The first run-through, I was too hasty and took Maile’s arm before her mom had a chance to move away.  It totally looked like I was body-checking my future mother-in-law in my eagerness to get the ceremony over with.

During the rehearsal, the matron of honor started to get teary-eyed, testament to the paper-thin walls holding back the tears.  I suppose the practice run gave her a sense of what the actual day would be like, and she started to imagine the sensations.  Now, if she were the only one, it might not be too bad, but Maile and her other bridesmaid can be affected by the mere sight of the bawling one, starting a chain reaction that threatens to upset the delicate balance of time between my standing around and my eat-drink-be-merries.  It will likely be unavoidable, but hopefully it will be minimized.

The matron of honor wasn’t the only one to be affected.  My groomsmen both expressed a bit of nervousness, afraid they might screw up the ceremony somehow with an improperly placed eyebrow.  I think, though, that after the rehearsal they feel much better about what they have to do, since it’s easy to see where they need to stand and which way to face.

It’s not quite over for them, though; both best man and groomsman have things to say during the reception, and there’s no formal rehearsal for THAT.

I went down to Bella Wedding to try on the tuxedos. I was a bit anxious because my measurements were taken more than three months ago, and within that time I had been working out some, and eating more. If the tuxedo didn’t fit, would there be enough time to make adjustments before my wedding on Sunday?

It turned out fine. There wasn’t that much of a change in my body dimensions, and as a guy I’m rather lucky that much of my attire feature adjustable straps. The only part of my outfit that wasn’t quite right was the dress shirt collar; it was too tight. It literally cut off all blood flow to my brain, which is something I thought only a hot woman could do.

Jenny, the proprietor of the boutique, said that a new shirt will be available tomorrow afternoon. That’s perfect for me, since I have to bring George in for his fitting. And if there’s an alteration for him, his tuxedo will be ready by Saturday.

Reid also came in for his fitting. The only adjustments for him were the sleeves of the jacket. That, too, will be ready by Friday.

The pants fit well and the straps on the side allows me to feel comfortable standing or sitting, or after I’ve eaten my fill.  The shoes had these inserts that made me stand taller, since I will have to stand next to Maile in her heels for wedding photos.  I think these shoes will be the closest thing I will ever wear for high heels.  The vest and tie are a deep, rose red, with a hint of a pattern so that it’s not one big solid color, and I think that will match well with the black of the jacket, pants, and shoes.  The jacket is a standard 4-button single-breasted item, but I will probably only button three of them.  I don’t recall if there’s a handkerchief, but I don’t think that will matter.

After everything was buttoned up and set in place, I looked in the three-panel mirror, taking in every angle.  Whilst doing that, only one thought crossed my mind:

…

God DAMN, I make this look GOOD.

It’s been arranged that Keoni and his girlfriend will act as ushers for our wedding reception.  I know I said initially that I wasn’t going to have him do anything at all, but I think the job of “usher” is a good enough compromise to satisfy everybody.

Basically the job requires Keoni to stand in the reception hall, after the receiving line, and ask if any of the approaching guests require assistance in finding their table.  Each guest will have a little card with their table number, so all he has to do is request a look at that card, find the appropriate table on a banquet hall floor plan (that I will provide), and indicate the correct direction.  Simple?  Should be.

The important aspect of this job is to be friendly and courteous.  If a guest does not want help, or ignores the ushers, move on to the next.  There shouldn’t be a need to run after anybody, especially since people might see others and want to talk to them before finding their table.

I’m pretty sure Keoni can perform this task.  I’m pretty sure things will go smoothly because I’m pretty sure he won’t do anything to offend anybody.  I’m pretty sure this job is involving enough.

What I’m not sure about is whether Keoni thinks it is involving enough.  I’m getting the impression, perhaps wrongly so, that he feels we’re not “involving them” enough in our wedding.

For fuck’s sake, this wedding isn’t about satisfying some deeply held longings for other people.  It’s my wedding to a beautiful woman, with a ceremony to symbolize the significance, and a reception to say thanks to all we can.  This isn’t a service to cater to someone else’s desires.  This isn’t an opportunity for someone else to fulfill their lifelong fantasies or dreams.  Why am I suddenly obligated to make someone else feel “involved” in this?

I know Keoni won’t squander this opportunity for “involvement,” so what I’m expressing is probably moot.  I’m not looking for any appreciation, either, so it doesn’t matter to me whether or not he feels thankful for this job.  In fact, even if he thanks me, I’m liable to ask “What the hell for?”

But that’s probably quite rude.

During the initial wedding plans, Maile’s brother was tapped to help out on the registration table. An easy task to involve him in the event.In the months following, there was a bit of hemming and hawing about how he wasn’t going to go, then he was going to go, and back to not going. Shiny, just let me know a decision before it’s too late.

Soon afterward, he relapsed by taking a hit of crack. He felt guilty about it afterward, and turned himself in to his PO, and spent a couple of nights in jail.

At that point, we took him off table duty. I asked two of my friends if their daughters would like to help, and they all agreed. I then had 4 people on the registration table; more than enough to handle the crowd.

Turns out the hemming and hawing by Maile’s brother and other concerns stemmed from issues unrelated to the wedding, involving mainly the immediate family and their relationship with his girlfriend. As that came to light, there were talks and discussions and I guess everything was worked out, so that’s fine.

But now I am being told that he wants his “job” back. He felt hurt that he was taken off table duty because he really wanted to be involved and help out. Maile’s mom has suggested that I put him AND his girlfriend on the registration table, and from what I can gather, Maile agrees (though I don’t know if it’s just out of agreement or any other reason). At the time this was brought to my attention, I sorta acquiesced, without really saying anything or suggesting alternatives. I had to think about it.

Last night, I spent the better part of an hour considering everything. I believe I have come to the conclusion that I will not be changing my mind. It’s not because I don’t feel that I can trust him around the gifts; I feel I can’t trust his reliability.

It’s quite possible that he can do an excellent job at the table, and that there would be no problems and everything will go smoothly. However, at this point in the wedding plans I cannot take the chance that something will happen between now and then, leaving me stranded. I do not expect any amount of vouchers from either Maile or her mom can sway me in this, too.

He feels hurt that we took him off the job. My thought is that maybe he needs to remember this “hurt” and turn it into “experience.” Take it as a lesson in how his behavior can have an impact on others, and how sometimes, certain actions cannot be undone. Perhaps if he remembers this, if he remembers how he felt when he had to suffer the consequences of what he did, it can serve him in the future when faced with the temptation to use drugs again.

The drama is in trying to convince him of that, and in a way that he doesn’t use it as an excuse to go back to drugs (the old “woe is me” attitude). And, too, I will most likely be suffering the consequences of this decision. Whether it’s from him, or Maile or her mom, I can’t tell.

In retrospect, this is precisely why I said I didn’t want to talk to any “media” prior to or during the wedding. Situations like these are best discussed after some time has passed, I think.

For example, I spoke to one the “interested parties” about the situation, and now it seems like just a big misunderstanding. It’s a lot easier to look back and laugh at our emotions, but when it occurred there were a lot of hurt feelings and lashing out.

Maybe this is what being a groomzilla is about.

Today begins the first day of living alone. The Parents have moved into the new “smart house” for the most part, leaving me responsible for my own daily upkeep and maintenance. For the time being, I have to content myself with leaving the house as it is now and hold off on any reorganization. One reason is because I don’t have the time just yet to devote to moving furniture and cleaning out closets; another is that I need new storage compartments like file cabinets and bookshelves to start organizing. I also have a wedding coming up, and Maile-plans to arrange for her moving in.

So currently I just use three rooms in the house: bedroom, bath, and kitchen. The kitchen will prove interesting, as I am a complete moron when it comes to cooking (see earlier post about Rice Krispie treats). At this point I wouldn’t trust myself with frozen pizza, and I’ve had bad experiences with THAT.

I was made aware that some people aren’t going to be attending the wedding reception. Shiny, just get me the RSVP card so I have a record. What I did notice was that this drops the guest count to a point where we lose some hotel compensation; that is, the amount of money we spend has dropped below the threshold for certain freebies. To me, it’s not a big deal, but Maile wants to add more people. I’m fine with that, and I made the suggestion that maybe we can invite the rest of the people from The Dental Lab, since we couldn’t before due to the cost. If anyone asked, we could just say that we got our tax returns and can now afford to bring everybody else. Maile agreed. Maile went to The Lab and hand deliver some invitations we had prepared.

Afterward, I was privy to the activity that occurred. Seems the invitation for one person at The Lab was “altered” by request of other parties. Instead of inviting that one person plus a guest, these other parties made Maile change the invitation to just include that person. Some of the reasons for this change were given to Maile as, “She doesn’t have a boyfriend and isn’t married, so you only need one” and “You’ll probably only get $20.00 from her AND her guest.”

That set me off. Maile found my reaction extremely funny, but I am most upset with this interference of our wedding reception. I find it quite rude to not only force me to choose who I don’t invite, but also imply that the reason I want to invite people is to score some money. That’s fucking offensive to me.

I don’t fucking care if person B irritates person A; that’s the personal property between those two. If I don’t have a problem with either, why should I not invite the both of them? I’m not going to make the decision to attend for either person. If both sincerely want to attend our wedding, I’m sure they can both act civil for 2 or 3 hours even if I seat them on different tables. If either feels they can’t put aside their differences for me, then they can decline their attendance.

I’m inviting people whom I feel I want to share in this special moment. I do appreciate those that suggest I should invite another person I didn’t previously consider, since I am forgetful and might not remember that Ms Jane Doe helped pay my way through college or something. What I don’t appreciate is any suggestion that I DON’T invite someone because of a personal problem someone else has. In fact, I’ve already NOT invited someone from The Lab because of pressure from outside sources.

And to tell me that I’m only going to get $20.00? Ridiculous. I don’t need gifts. I’m not doing this crap for gifts. You want to give me a gift? Fine. I am sincerely thankful for your generosity and I do appreciate it. Yet I do expect that you give that gift out of the kindness of your heart. Don’t misinterpret my invitation to share in this joyous occasion as a request for you to give me materialistic shit.

I don’t actually know if what I’m suffering are migraines, but they’re really painful headaches nonetheless. Seems there are a number of causes and nobody can really pinpoint the exact one, so perhaps it is a combination of many factors.

Things like my sinuses. Since I have allergies, it’s likely any outbreak of pollen or roach poo or volcanic fog plug up my sinuses, which applies pressure and leads to a headache.

Or muscle tension, maybe associated with stress. Perhaps it’s the wedding plans, the budget concerns, or all these little decisions that need to be made.

Maybe it’s the fucking table seating chart.

If it’s one thing I’ve started to appreciate, it is the timeliness of a reply. Immediate RSVPs make a world of difference when it comes to planning a party. From now on, I’m sending in RSVPs as soon as possible. It is a lot easier to make a table of 10 when you know exactly who is coming. When you don’t get an RSVP, you spend days wondering if the guest will attend, how many people are attending (in the case they don’t bring along someone), and whether you can fit total strangers onto one table in the event they don’t attend.

It’s the strangers part that stresses me the most. I’m fairly certain a good number of my guests can get along with, entertain, and be entertained by people they’ve never met. Usually those people are more expressive, outgoing, and secure in themselves that they can talk to anybody.

However, there are some groupings where I have no idea what to expect from the people there. I’m not as familiar with their personalities (and some I’ve never even met), and aside from the typical “Which side of the family are you from?” questions, I don’t know what they will talk about.

In other news, I’m collecting old photos of myself and family, to use in the video slideshow. After two weeks of nothing, the videographer finally replied to answer some (not all) of my questions. I needed assurances that the “dramatized re-enactment” of pre-bridal preparations wouldn’t be overly sappy like all indications were looking, and the videographer said that we could just shoot naturally and spontaneously. I prefer that, as it shows me and Maile as who we are, and it’s not faked or anything. I’d much rather watch the video and know that what I saw was what was really going on, and not have that thought that the whole thing was staged running through the back of my head.

The question the videographer didn’t really answer was regarding the music to be played during the video. He mentioned four songs for the slideshow, which to me corresponds to four segments: bride (baby to adult), groom (baby to adult), bride and groom with family, bride and groom by themselves. So I had asked about the other parts the video, the pre-bridal prep and the ceremony highlights. What music is played then? Do I get to choose?

His reply said that I could have a 5th song for the ceremony. That doesn’t tell me anything about the pre-bridal.

Argh, headache!

Started thinking about a speech for the wedding reception. Wrote up a small thing. It’s got its thank-yous and whatnot, but it’s personal, so that’s all that matters. Not sure where I would work it into the program, considering that most weddings focus on the bride and her speech. I don’t even know if Maile is going to say anything.

Speaking of the program, we need to sit down with Mel and hammer out an agenda. I think we’ve been putting it off for too long. I’ve always had an idea of what would happen when, but I never delved into the details of the exact timing and sequence of events. Yet it’s very important, like when the hairstylist needs to know when to work on people in time for the photographer’s session. It’s no longer as simple as just getting dressed and thinking about traffic on your way to dinner.

Maile and Mel saw samples of the centerpieces. I think they’re awesome. The tall vases look pretty, and the smaller candled centerpieces are cool. Maile wants to look for an alternative candleholder to better match the tall vases, but if she can’t find anything, she is perfectly content with the current style.

Whilst there, the florist made mention of getting the media involved in our wedding. That’s the second or third vendor to say that, and it’s making me wonder just how “abnormal” our wedding is. And by “getting the media involved,” they mean contacting one of the local news agencies to run a piece on it. Is our wedding that much of a story? Is it that different? To have multiple vendors (who may or may not have had contact with each other) suggest a media story seems to indicate such.

I told Mel that if any media agency wants to interview me, it will have to be after the fact. I don’t want to talk to someone about something that’s yet to happen, or that is happening. I want to be able to look back on the event and laugh. For example, when the RVSP card issue was brought to my attention, my first thought was… well, I had no coherent thought. I was fairly upset about the screw-up and wanted to blame somebody (except myself). I needed a couple of minutes to cool down, consider what had happened, weigh my options, and eventually pass it off as something that can no longer be helped. It was a mistake, and since I can’t find a record of what I submitted to the printer, there’s nothing to indicate where the fault is. Plus, even if I could nail down who was responsible (even if it’s myself), it doesn’t help matters that people got a vague RSVP card. So why fret?

Instead I’ll take the stand that if someone send in a card “as is,” I can assume with a fair amount of certainty that they will be in attendance. I can still call them up to verify, and ultimately that level of “extra” work is something I have to suck up and do, given the situation. No amount of whining or crying is going to magically make it all better.

So given all that, I think I would need a few moments after everything is all said and done before I can speak to a stranger about what happened. I think this applies even more for a case where in the end, I have no control over the result. A news crew or reporter (or the editor) has final say on what the story will be; they’re just getting my footage and words and they’re the ones who will put it together.

If they want to film the events as it takes place, I’m going to have to insist that they stay out of everyone’s way. No intrusion upon people or activities, no use of floodlights or anything that might interfere with the ceremony or reception, and they have to give up their spot if requested. I’m sorry, but any media will be second fiddle to the primary players on that day, because in the end it is a wedding for friends and family, not a story. If whatever media can’t agree to it, then it’s no skin off my back. I won’t care if it’s not reported, if it’s not aired.

Maile sent me pictures of a hair-and-makeup test session. When I saw them I had fuzzable feeling in my chest. Made me crack a smile.

I’m never usually the one to go “Wow! That’s so awesome!” with my mouth agape, my eyes wide, and overall expression of being blown away. Usually my reactions to such moments are “Wow. That’s cool.” Inside, however, I’m usually feeling the wow-it’s-awesome feeling; just the outside is more muted.

So don’t be surprised if, during the wedding, it looks like I’m just amused at the activity. I’m probably going to be all fiddy-giddy inside, full of the rapturous wonder that is marital celebrations.

Or I’m going to be drunk.