Fear the Crab

Today I thought I had made up a new word. The word I had in mind was “snorke,” which is a smash-up of “snort” and “choke.” The reason I came up with this word is because someone’s blog post made me choke on my own spit with laughter. So I figured, what better way to describe the near passing-out from obstructed humor than with the birth of a new word?

It’s onomatopeic! It sounds like “snorkel” and immediately makes me think of the cartoon series. As someone else also indicated, it sounds like it’s one flipper short of a
full set, and that perfectly describes the feeling of laughing with fluid in the lungs.

And it’s easy to do all kinds of English grammar-fication with it!
“I snorked.”
“Bob’s snorke made me call 911 before I realized he was watching Magnum PI.”
Probably the best thing I have ever come up with in my history of coming up with stuff…

Continued ~

During the initial wedding plans, Maile’s brother was tapped to help out on the registration table. An easy task to involve him in the event.In the months following, there was a bit of hemming and hawing about how he wasn’t going to go, then he was going to go, and back to not going. Shiny, just let me know a decision before it’s too late.

Soon afterward, he relapsed by taking a hit of crack. He felt guilty about it afterward, and turned himself in to his PO, and spent a couple of nights in jail.

At that point, we took him off table duty. I asked two of my friends if their daughters would like to help, and they all agreed. I then had 4 people on the registration table; more than enough to handle the crowd.

Turns out the hemming and hawing by Maile’s brother and other concerns stemmed from issues unrelated to the wedding, involving mainly the immediate family and their relationship with his girlfriend. As that came to light, there were talks and discussions and I guess everything was worked out, so that’s fine.

But now I am being told that he wants his “job” back. He felt hurt that he was taken off table duty because he really wanted to be involved and help out. Maile’s mom has suggested that I put him AND his girlfriend on the registration table, and from what I can gather, Maile agrees (though I don’t know if it’s just out of agreement or any other reason). At the time this was brought to my attention, I sorta acquiesced, without really saying anything or suggesting alternatives. I had to think about it.

Last night, I spent the better part of an hour considering everything. I believe I have come to the conclusion that I will not be changing my mind. It’s not because I don’t feel that I can trust him around the gifts; I feel I can’t trust his reliability.

It’s quite possible that he can do an excellent job at the table, and that there would be no problems and everything will go smoothly. However, at this point in the wedding plans I cannot take the chance that something will happen between now and then, leaving me stranded. I do not expect any amount of vouchers from either Maile or her mom can sway me in this, too.

He feels hurt that we took him off the job. My thought is that maybe he needs to remember this “hurt” and turn it into “experience.” Take it as a lesson in how his behavior can have an impact on others, and how sometimes, certain actions cannot be undone. Perhaps if he remembers this, if he remembers how he felt when he had to suffer the consequences of what he did, it can serve him in the future when faced with the temptation to use drugs again.

The drama is in trying to convince him of that, and in a way that he doesn’t use it as an excuse to go back to drugs (the old “woe is me” attitude). And, too, I will most likely be suffering the consequences of this decision. Whether it’s from him, or Maile or her mom, I can’t tell.

Went to Kim and Philip’s wedding reception on Sunday. Sat next to some cool people, fondled some cool pins, and ate some cool food. I had to give the second banzai toast, so I drank three tall bottles of Sapporo (40 oz?) as preparation.

There is one thing that drinking copious amounts of alcohol does to me; loss of short-term memory. As an example, when I gave the second toast, I briefly explained the significance of it, then launched into the thing with volume. When I sat down, I could not remember what I said. I had to ask Maile, “Did I say it this way, or did I screw it up and ruin everything?”

Yet, at the time, everything was lucid and all my thoughts came into crystal clarity. I knew what I wanted to do, how to do it, and all the little mental notes I left myself were remembered (such as bringing my glass with me to toast). It’s just that once I did it, I couldn’t remember if I did it correctly like I wanted to.

Freaky.

I browsed through Kim and Philip’s registry and found myself staring at one item in particular. Chili bowls, extra large. “A Williams-Sonoma exclusive.”

These days it seems everything keeps getting more and more specific as far as its intended use. Time was, you only had one fork with which to skewer food (we don’t need to go further back and argue about the proper table etiquette of eating mutton with your hands). Now you have salad forks of differing size, or in the case of very lazy restaurants, two identical forks, with manners dictating that it is the outside fork to be used for salads.

So it was with plates and bowls. I would have one bowl for my rice, my gruel, and my water. If I were really practical, I’d also use it for my haircut. Now it seems we have bowls for chili, with maybe an alternate use for casserole or some kind of hot soup. I do not doubt the effectiveness of such bowl-ware in keeping hot foodstuffs hot. I merely wonder at the marketing genius it took to try and milk the common consumer of more money.

“Ah, I see you are interested in our exclusive and finely-crafted chili bowls, of the extra large variety. Those go great with stews, too. Only $25.95!”

“Oh, these are chili bowls? I just wanted something to eat my cereal in.”

“Then you want our exquisite line of breakfast bowls, imported from France. If you buy them today, you can cash in on a sweet deal of 6 for $39.95. That’s 4 dollars off from the regular price of $35.95!”

Seems like everything these days is separated and categorized further and further into tiny pigeonholes, and it all seems to warrant different price tags. Soon you’ll have customized and specific tines on your fork.

“Eat your salad. No, wrong tine. That’s for seafood, dear. Honey, talk to your kid. I spent $14.99 on salad tines, the least you could do is use them properly.”

Out of all the details involved in planning a wedding, I think the guest list and table seating are probably the most excruciating, white-hair-producing, early-death-inducing pieces of work ever to plague the existence of Man.

Some guests are easy to fit into the program. The immediate family of the bridal party are shoo-ins, of course. Close aunts and uncles can be included, at least as much as their relational proximity to the bride and groom allow.

After a certain point, economics start to kick in. It is amazing how many relatives and friends pop out of the woodwork, and as time goes on the chance of spouses and children being added to the picture increases. Now one is faced with having to decide if spending $50.00-$70.00 per person for food is worth sending an invitation. Just how close is this friend? Do we invite the kids, or just the parents? If we only invite the parents, how would they feel if they see someone else’s kids in attendance?

Some people recommend using an approximate window of one year of contact; if you haven’t spoken to them in that time, they don’t need to be invited. I myself don’t hold to that philosophy, only because I sometimes don’t talk to my brother within a year. It doesn’t mean we’re not close; we just talk only when we feel like it, and if it happens to be a week, a month, or a decade in-between, so be it.

Instead I hold to the concept that if said invitee had something to do with shaping me into the person I am today (for better, of course), then they should be in attendance. Well, to clarify, they should be asked to attend, and accounted for in the wedding budget. Whether or not they do show up is entirely up to them, though I’d hope they’d send a reply to indicate such.

One thing that no one mentions is that a guest list should be drawn up with the intent that it will account for everyone showing up. If you invite 200 people to your reception, you have to work under the assumption that all 200 will arrive. Often I think some couples send invitations with the knowledge that the person will not attend because of a variety of reasons. The invitation is sent out merely because it’s considered the polite thing to do.

And speaking of the polite thing to do, no one ever says anything about who exactly should receive an invitation. How does the politics of weddings work when it comes to co-workers, classmates, and friends? If you invite one co-worker, does that mean you should invite all?

Sometimes it’s not so obvious who gets an invite and who doesn’t need to. Do you send to the household, or to the individual families? Take, as an example, a house where the child lives with the parents, but the child is an adult (maybe with their own child). Do both parties receive an invitation, or is only one sent to the house? I’m inclined to believe that two invitations would need to be sent, based on the idea that it is almost like two separate families that just so happen to live under the same roof. I’d hold to that same principle regarding grandparents living with their kids.

It’s Friday, and I’ve only been at work for three hours.

So I’m thinking of cutting out some parts of my wedding guest list. With the buffet at $47 a head, and with the list close to 175 people, the prices were starting to look a little steep.

Trouble is, I didn’t have many people on my list in the first place. I cut out my personal friends on the continent, plus some old friends from the old workplace that I haven’t spoken to in years, and I only got the list down to 160. It’s hard because these are the people who’ve contributed to what I am today, and they are the first of my friends whom I would have liked to be in attendance. Some of them know Maile, too.

EDIT: Actually, the list is back up to 164. I forgot to add myself and Maile (because we have to eat, too!), as well as two more people from The Lab.

Still, less people on the list means less of a body count in the buffet line, which would substantially decrease the overall cost of food and beverage. Plus, we don’t need to make as many invitations, which can mean a significant reduction of about $100.

In other areas, I might have to push for recorded entertainment. The hotel will let me hook up my iPod to their sound system for $40, which is 10x less than the cheapest live DJ. I can fill up a playlist with the songs I want and let it run on shuffle, and when it comes time to actually play a specific song, I could delegate some volunteer to be in charge of that (since the iPod still plays as you’re searching for the song).

I also think I will have to reduce the time the bar remains open. I looked at the cost for 4 hours of operation (1730-2130), and I could save over $1k if I cut it down to 3 (so it ends at 2030 instead). It’s a Sunday buffet, so I don’t think many people will want to drink as late anyway. Of course, I could go even cheaper and require everyone to buy their own alcohol…

What worries me, though, is the fact that we still haven’t accounted for other costs, like flowers, hair & makeup for the bride, and even the wedding bands. The three-thousand dollars I “saved” may just go back in, though I admit it would still be slightly better.

I think we might seriously have to take out a loan. The thing is, I don’t want to get a loan and then start “upgrading” the wedding just because we suddenly have an influx of funds. I don’t want to get into the mindset that now I can afford to bring in my elementary school classmates, or the nice principal from Tuba City High. I don’t want to think that I could get a comedy team to perform at the reception, or a 10-piece big band with award-winning crooner.

I would rather make the wedding as minimal as possible whilst retaining some manner of elegance (because it’s for her), even if it means those in attendance don’t get what they’re used to getting (like a live band), or the invitations don’t have a map or directions.

There are other costs looming on the horizon; I can see them, and they think I’m pretty enough to eat.

I had to deliver some foodstuffs to an exhibition. I was told that I would be delivering some gourmet coffee and some biscotti. The vehicle used to deliver these goods was a cross between a tricycle and a segway. Maile accompanied me on my journey, standing behind me like kids would stand on a trike’s rear axle.

The trip was mostly uneventful until near the end. We were taking back roads because we couldn’t bring this weird contraption onto the highway, and we found ourselves on a dirt road near farmland. In a case of self-fulfilling prophecy, I was in the midst of conversation with Maile and discussing how the vehicle we were in was efficient, but if I took a turn too fast it could tip over. Lo and behold, I take a turn, one of the wheels hits a rock, and we tip over.

At this time I became aware that in addition to Maile, we had a little midget along for the ride. The three of us gathered up the container of coffee and biscotti and went into a general store to check if anything was damaged.

It was the strangest coffee I had ever since. The grounds were white or cream-colored, and had the consistency of flour (maybe it was flour). The biscotti looked like dried, fried pasta. Except everything really was coffee and biscotti.

Things looked okay, so we repackaged everything and prepared to head out. I then noticed Janet KS in the store, buying an unknown item. She saw me, said hi, and then saw Maile and said hi. Then, “Oh, you two know each other?”

Strange.

There’s a new EP out. Listen and learn! And buy. You dare not trifle with the divine retribution of the bunny!

http://www.coincidencetheory.com/

There’s a link to where you can purchase the EP online through CDBaby. Read the stellar review about this debut album and wonder at the wonderfully wistfully writing skills.

After one panda decided to stick itself into the driftwood and die, another panda got fin rot. I bought some medicine that specifically treats fin rot, but after three days it (the fish) was gone. Its tail fin was completely missing. I’ve lost two fish, one to unfortunate circumstances, another to high stress and disease. It makes me sad.

I had just gotten through a super happy fun time, too, on inklink, where me and the staffers from CheesyMUD played pictionary. Pictionary online is uber fun, especially when we all play for sheer amusement. Kyrol managed to get a few answers correct on luck, because he was being sarcastic and it just so happened to be the word the game was looking for. I mean, how can you guess “derringer” when someone draws a walther-ppk? He even got “africa” because he was making fun of my crappy drawing of that continent. Too bad I can’t play when I’m at work; I’d laugh too loud.