Fear the Crab

Min called me the other night. Haven’t spoken to that dude in a dog’s age, I think. Amongst the plethora of topics, we chanced upon the subject of movies. I mentioned that I hardly watch any movies anymore. I mentioned that all the movies seem the same, but I didn’t really go into details.

I think with age, I have become less tolerant of the formula. Much like viruses developing an immunity to antibiotics, the allure of Hollywood productions fails to draw me and my money into the theater. I am no longer swayed by the names splashed across the screen or on posters and advertisements.

Sometimes the preview or commercial tells me all I need to know. Protagonist falls in love with hot, seemingly unattainable person of the opposite sex, attempts to woo , succeeds, does something to fuck it all up. Movie ends with reconciliation and kisses. Classic “You’re a fucktard, but we’ll throw you a bone and let you live happily ever after” plot.

Horror movies are also subject to the same formula. Protagonists (invariably there is a group of people all stuck in the same situation) encounter ghost/monster/serial killer and get picked off one-by-one until only a few remain, who concoct glorious scheme to defeat/banish the foe by the end of the movie.

Not only the plot is similar, but the moments of “horror” seem to be common based on two principles: jump out and say boo, or slowly approach when the subject can’t do anything about it. One is considered shocking, the other suspenseful. Sometimes the two are combined, especially in movies with ghosts or monsters that sneak about; you can tell something’s coming, but you don’t know what it is going to do or when it will appear, just that it will definitely hurt.

Even Pixar, a company known for producing rather incredible films, is subject to the fancy that is the formula. Take the most recent movie (as of this date), Ratatouille. Despite the twists and turns the plot takes, it still adheres to the basic principle of loser-guy succeeding, screwing up, and succeeding again. It’s still a decent movie, but compared to other Pixar films that really do stand on their own, Ratatouille doesn’t live up to expectations.

Of course, it’s very difficult for “alternative” movies to be made, especially when so much money is at stake. Independent films try their best, and sometimes a lot of really good indie movies get picked up by the big distributors (say, Clerks). That is not to say that indie films are the cure for the common flop, because a good portion of them really suck.

Going back to the reasons I don’t watch mainstream movies, another is that as I grow older, films no longer hold the appeal of “escapism”. I know a lot of people go to movies to be transported to a magical place, or something along those lines. When I was a teenager, this was the case.

Now I am married. Romantic dramas or comedies don’t do anything for me, because I’ve “got the girl, despite the fuck-ups.” I don’t need to see some fictional character relive my own personal experiences on the big screen.

Horror movies, whether they are shock horror or suspense, don’t hold sway over me because I know there are scarier things in reality: politics, governments, people. The last verse in Voltaire’s “Goodnight, Demonslayer” (from the album Then and Again) sums it all:

This world of ours is not as it seems
The monsters are real, but they’re not in your dreams
Learn what you can from the beasts you defeat
You’ll need it for some of the people you meet

Of course, at the very core, I don’t like horror movies because I hate being scared. I’m chicken-shit that way.

This morning I happened upon a full-page color newspaper ad for the new subdivision developing in Pokai Bay. The pictures on that web site show some beautiful single-family homes with spacious interiors, surrounded by lush green grass and clear skies. The newspaper ad featured “EXTRA LARGE back yards!” to appeal to those families with kids, or anyone who likes to run around. The subdivision is away from the noise and hustle-bustle of downtown, but only “minutes” away from the “blossoming second city” of Kapolei. Homes start in the low $400,000 range, which considering the market around here, is pretty good.

Here’s the catch: Pokai Bay is in Waianae. There is only one road from Waianae to anyplace else, and “minutes away from Kapolei” is true, if you consider a 20-minute commute as quick, not to mention that you have to pass through Nanakuli, another large area. And if the distance weren’t bad enough, any small accident on that single road will tie up traffic for hours, and heaven help you if it’s during rush hour.

Another “gotcha” is the specific location of this subdivision. I feel I can only do it justice with this image, direct from the web site itself:

The black-and-white area to the right of the map is the Pokai Bay subdivision. On the flank are other homes, and there’s an elementary school in the corner (I taught remedial reading for one year at that school!). On the left is Waianae Mall, a little strip mall housed in big blocky buildings.

What’s key is the little area, half out of frame, near the bottom. Those silos and storage tanks. What is that?

It’s the Waianae Wastewater Treatment plant. Let me tell you, after working in the vicinity for one school year, the smell literally becomes a part of your DNA. The only thing that can save you from a nose-full of the dregs of humanity is if there’s a good wind that day blowing out to sea.

Aw, but then if that happens, your quick jaunt to the beach is ruined. Even then, you’re not missing much. The water there has some of the filthiest muck I’ve ever regretted wading in. It’s not a pleasant experience to be frolicking amongst the empty potato chip bags and used condoms. No, seriously.

The ad has the title, “You must see it… to believe it!” and I think that’s about the only thing that’s really true. Of course, you have to physically be there to see it; pictures on a pretty page aren’t going to cut it. I seriously doubt this development will attract anyone from town, despite the price. Pity the poor fools on the continent who receive this ad or chance upon the television commercial; many go forth and buy without setting foot once on the property, just because of the “allure” of owning a home in Hawai`i.

Speaking of trapping insects, Maile and I purchased some plants of the Nepenthes family, aka pitcher plants. We figured since our house has a few ant nests around the perimeter, we can watch the balance of nature at work with some carnivorous creations.

Nepenthes Red Dragon

This is the Red Dragon, a hybrid of the thorelli and truncata families. It’s supposed to be a hardy plant well-adapted to the environment around my house. We’ll see how well those big pitchers handle the tiny ants.

Nepenthes bicalcarata

The second plant is the bicalcarata, an interesting little thing that almost looks like it has two fangs on the upper lid. Rather than making with the stabby-stabby, it’s thought that the two prongs generate the nectar that attracts insects, which crawl onto the fangs and fall into the pitcher.

What’s interesting is that those Wikipedia articles list the two plants as endangered or threatened. The garden store where we bought ours grows their own plants, so perhaps the label is only applicable for plants in the wild.

The desk was delivered and assembled today. Set up was quick because there were only two tables and a connector. The long table had plastic casters so that it wouldn’t scratch the floor, but the short table did not; I adhered some felt casters to compensate. While construction of the desk space was quick, moving all the components onto the desk and setting it all up took forever.

Before

This is what the area looked like before the desk arrived. As I said before, the file cabinet was already in place; the boxes are the various components awaiting a place to settle. The time was approximately 1500 when this picture was taken.

I first put Maile’s computer on the short table, arranged so that she could face the TV. Her color inkjet would sit between her monitor and the tower, which itself would perch on the edge of the long table. All of the cables and wires would tie up along the desk edge, interrupted by the surge protector.

The router came next. I needed to make sure I had the proper cables ready for two computers and a printer. But that was easy.

I unpacked my iMac and set it up on the long table. Despite having so few components, it took me a while to become familiar with where things were and how they should be arranged. I also had my RAID hard drives to unpack, and put that on the desk near the file cabinet.

Suddenly I realized that I didn’t really have any room for the laser printer. If I put it on the desk, it would force the computers closer together, which in turn would force the users closer together, until the chairs got in the way. I didn’t want to put anything on the floor because I wanted a clear space to easily vacuum, I wanted more leg room, and I didn’t want to run the risk of a chair knocking a dent into anything delicate.

So I put the laser printer on top of the file cabinet. It’s not pretty, there are a ton of cables all stretched hither and yon, but it’s all set up and ready for use.

After!

After after!

The fact remains that we still have enough room for the two of us to operate simultaneously, and we each have access to the printers and cordless phone. The physical setup was quick and painless (though there was a close call involving a desk and my toe); it was the electronic setup that was a long and drawn-out process.

Maile’s computer setup was easy, because there was really nothing to do. The only trick was reconfiguring her system to recognize and communicate with the router, but once that was done it just took an installation of the laser printer drivers and she could see it over the network.

The iMac was trickier. In addition to being a very new machine (as new as a refurbished model can be, that is), I am not very familiar with the Mac operating system. I had a few tidbits of start-up advice from friends and co-workers, but I still had to navigate the strange mirage of menus and icons. The RAID drives were set up as well as I thought I could, but it remains to be seen whether or not I set them up correctly.

From addressing iMac security concerns, to figuring out how to tell the printer I want duplex, I plodded through without nourishment, determined to conquer this hypnotic land. Test pages were printed, web pages were visited, and I may have blinded myself on the glossy widescreen brilliance that is 24 inches.

I don’t know if I’ve succeeded, but time will only tell.

The new office space in the house is coming together. Conceptually, at least. See, the only physical manifestation of the office is in the form of a 4-drawer legal size locking file cabinet. But check it!

Bought a desk, the Nouveau by Ligna Furniture, which was available at Home World. It’s a bit different than what I am used to, as far as office desks go. It’s more like two tables hooked together with an L-connector. However, that’s precisely what Maile and I wanted for our workspace, so that we could have both of our computers in the same area and be able to use them at the same time. Conveniently, this concept was available in a reasonably-priced package, and the color fits well with the rest of the house. We did not get a hutch nor any attached drawers, giving us plenty of desk space and leg room to work comfortably.

Bought an iMac. 24″ widescreen, 2.8GHz Intel Core 2 Duo processor, 500GB hard disk drive, 2GB memory. It’s a pretty big machine for me to just work on office files, but I like to compensate for my deficiencies with big toys. It’s a refurbished computer bought through the university’s Apple Store, so I paid significantly less than regular retail.

Bought a LaCie external hard drive for data storage and backup. It’s a RAID system that I will configure for mirroring any data I save, because I’m paranoid about losing precious files and pictures. One of the 500GB hard drives will mirror the files stored in the other, so if either of them breaks, I can easily swap in a new one and restore the exact same data (if both fail… well, I might be SOL).

Bought a Brother monochrome laser printer for every-day or bulk printing jobs. I figure most of what Maile and I print doesn’t need to be in color, and whenever we do have to print a photo or something colorful, we can fall back to her multifunction color inkjet. I normally don’t like multifunction printers, preferring instead to get a standalone scanner, but I’m not going to throw away a perfectly good printer just to satisfy my preference. When that printer breaks, though, I’ll hope to get a standalone color inkjet instead and a separate scanner.

Bought a 4-drawer legal size locking file cabinet from the Office Depot. I probably could have gotten a cheaper one with the same specifications elsewhere, but I was feeling lazy and didn’t want to hunt around for it. I still like getting paper statements from my banks and other institutions, but I’ll need a reasonably secure place to store them.

The only parts remaining are some comfortable chairs and floor mats. I may also buy more LaCie external hard drives (non RAID), complete with rack, for archives. I have a feeling if more pictures and videos get made or stored, I’ll need a lot more than 500GBs.

The entire office setup will be in the northwest corner of the living room. A closet barriers the north wall, with the window in the west. File cabinet is right in the corner, drawers opening inward. The desk abuts next to the cabinet, longer table against the window, bending left for the shorter table to complete the spatial boundaries.

My iMac will be on the long table facing the window, so that the sun doesn’t reflect against the glossy display. Maile’s computer will, of course, be on the short table, keeping her well within arm’s reach so that she can smack me upside the head if I start to digress. I figure the laser printer will be on the connector, provided it can support the 28+ lbs, otherwise I can put it on my side of the desk, or the floor underneath.

Pictures forthcoming once everything is in place!

Today our dining table was delivered and assembled. It’s a solid hardwood table with primavera inlay and cherry veneer, but I don’t know what the “primavera” stands for as far as furniture is concerned. The table was bought at a place called Room Stores Hawaii, which is an outlet store for the main company, CS Wo. However, the table was originally sold by the local branch of Ashley Furniture, which departed Hawaii under “mysterious circumstances.”

New dining table

I don’t know whether or not the table’s origins determined its price, but we seemed to have gotten a pretty good deal on it. For our requirements of a wood table for seating at least 8, with a pedestal base instead of legs on the outside, it seemed like $2,000.00 was the bare minimum. And this is just for the table. We already have a set of 6 chairs (we used to have 8, but my parents took two of them), but if we wanted a whole dining room set, the price would have skyrocketed. For our table, we paid less than $900.00.

I’m sure I could have found something cheaper online, but a dining table is best inspected in-person, so that was out. Craigslist was another option, but browsing there is like going to a flea market, hoping you’d find what you’re looking for.

Our table was actually the second one we looked at. The first was also solid hardwood but with a teak veneer. While the requirements were met, the color was a bit off and didn’t match the chairs we already have. We did fall in love with the table we wound up purchasing, because everything after that either did not look right, or was too expensive.

After delivery and assembly, Maile and I wiped down the table and set the chairs around it. Color coordination seemed perfect, and there was plenty of leg room. It felt like I was playing The Sims, dropping a table in the living room whilst we gather around in Simspeak. If only the rest of the house could be configured Sims-like.

This house is falling apart on me. Not just the house itself, but all manner of items stored within are being victimized by the fickle hand of… well, whatever it is that breaks things.

First there’s the second bathroom. The wall between the tub and the adjoining bedroom is severely damaged, rotten and moldy. The paint appears to be melting, there’s so much rot. And I highly suspect that the little egresses into the bathroom and bedroom are superhighways for the super roaches. Repairing the bathroom would undoubtedly take a significant chunk of change. Add to that the fact that we might as well replace the bathtub with one more suited to actual bathing; that is, one with a sloped end for reclining. The water pressure in the toilet isn’t up to par, and it likes to leave us little “gifts” after every use. As if that wasn’t enough, the faucet leaks.

One of the kitchen lights went out. I replaced the bulbs, but it still didn’t work, and since the rest of the kitchen was operational, the problem probably is in the wiring. Great. Now I need an electrician in here.

One of my glass sake cups fell off the dish rack and broke. It actually fell off twice; the first time it didn’t break, but the second was a hard enough fall that it felt like my teeth came apart.

There’s an old post in the patio, holding up the patio roof. The base of it is rotten, so that has to be replaced.

All of these repairs (sans the sake glass) would require a professional. It’s not something I am skilled enough to tackle, except for maybe the leaking faucet. This means that I might have to take some vacation time so I can let whoever’s doing the work, inside the house. It also means that it will probably be very expensive.

With each breakage, I see a day of our honeymoon slipping away.

I think the amount of work that goes into planning a wedding compares only slightly more than the necessary steps to change one’s name after the event.  Maile decided to take my last name, thus beginning the research and paper trails to make it happen.

What makes it seem more complicated is that for some of the agencies, the marriage certificate is needed.  This legal piece of paper won’t arrive for another 120 days, leaving Maile in a sort of limbo, or purgatory.  Social security and a driver license are such examples.

At the same time, the driver license requires that any address change must take place within 30 days of that change.  I know this is more a general procedure for anyone that moves, but for Maile it seems like it would require special attention.  Does she put her maiden name or her married name in the correspondence?  If she puts her married name, will that cause confusion at the DMV as they process the address change?

Another complicated part that doesn’t have anything to do with name changes is the addition of Maile to my health plan.  There is so much paperwork involved with this “lifestyle” change such as beneficiaries, names, addresses, and above all the added premiums I’ll have to pay.

The only agency that seemed to smoothly complete Maile’s name change was American Express.  I highly suspect it has something to do with AMEX wanting to make it as easy as possible for their customers to keep spending money.

I thought I could do our wedding some justice with a few poignant words here, but so much happened and I’m not sure I remember it all. I think this is the important lesson in having any big event; hire other people to help document what happened. I’m thankful that Marina Miller (photographer) and First Class Media (video) were around to capture the activities, and I’m thankful Flaunt Makeovers (makeup) was able to make my good side good. The video guys even managed to get a few shots of me having some foundation applied.

The ceremony was short and sweet, and I said my lines clearly. At least, I think I said the words clearly. I was mic’d with one of those remote microphones, and no one said anything about that clarity of my speech. Then again, I doubt there’d be much I could do if there was a mistake. The ceremony hall was nicely laid out, the acoustics were awesome for Pumehana Wadsworth (harpist), and it seemed everyone we invited attended. Latecomers had to stand because all 120 chairs were occupied. Alice Inoue (officiant) spoke a bit and easily guided us through the rites, though I had to kinda lean over and raise an eyebrow to ask “Now?” for the moment I say “I do.”

Reception was a blast. Amber Ricci and her musicians were awesome, and the music volume was perfect. Spinning WEB (florist) and Les Saisons (chair covers) did a brilliant job with the banquet hall, and everyone seemed both impressed with the decor, and immersed in the occasion.

People tell me the food was excellent and of top quality, which is good because I never had a chance to eat much. The only bite of the cake I had was during the cake-cutting ceremony. I got a little bit of cake smashed into my face, an act which will have Maile suffer some serious repercussions. Even my drinks were barely touched; as soon as I get a wine glass or beer in my hand, I get called away for some part of the program.

Speaking of our program, it was nothing short of efficient. In fact, it was too efficient. Things were going so smoothly, and so QUICKLY, that we had to speed up portions of the program so as not to let the guests get the false impression that the reception was over. Yet people were still getting restless. It made things difficult for the videographer, though, because he had to hurry and edit the recently-shot footage of the ceremony into the video slideshow. We managed to alter a few sequences and make it appear as though the slideshow was the final act, which is a testament to the videographer’s skill in working so fast and our coordinator’s ability to adjust the timing of events as needed.

After the last guest left and we escorted our belongings back to the hotel room, Maile and I promptly took a shower and passed out. We didn’t even touch the leftovers nor the complimentary fruits and champagne left by the Hyatt Regency Waikiki (hotel), which sadly feels like a waste, but we were so tired. In the end, I don’t think I have ever shaken so many hands, nor said so many “thank yous” as I did that day.

Wouldn’t trade it in for the world, though. I remember whilst we were dancing to “Girl from Ipanema” I looked down at Maile and said that it only just hit me then, that we were now husband and wife, not just a couple that had been together for 8 years prior.

Some of the highlights I also remember:
* First Dance: “At Last” is a pretty long song.
* Best man’s speech was really well done, considering it was made up that very moment.
* Banzai toasts were kick-ass.
* Can’t wait to see the pictures and video program.

The day started off as usual, with a bit of laundry.  I spent the better part of the morning vacuuming Maile’s van to get rid of as much dog fur as I could.  The vacuum cleaner I have doesn’t have a carpet attachment, so I had to use this dog-fur-removal brush with rubber bristles and “comb” it along the upholstery with the vacuum hose close by.  Considering the size of the minivan, it was a significant effort, and yet I still haven’t gotten everything out.  Some of that fur has just taken root.

The vacuuming was necessary because starting tomorrow Maile and I will be using the van to ferry people and materials around in preparation for the festivities on Sunday.  The big thing for Saturday will be picking up the dresses, so we don’t want dog fur clinging to the bridal party as they make their way down the aisle.

But that’s tomorrow.  Today involved a few more activities.  Next on the agenda was getting my car-deprived groomsman to the boutique so he could try on his tuxedo.  Unlike mine and my brother’s experiences, George’s tuxedo fit perfectly.  The alterations for the rest of the tuxedos were finished, so I took home all three sets.

After the fitting, I picked up George’s family, and we inched through the beginnings of rush-hour traffic to attend the rehearsal at the hotel.  We were among the first to arrive, and as everyone slowly gathered, we ran through the motions a couple of times.

The guys have it easy.  We’ll be standing behind a screen and some panels in the front, out of sight, with the officiant until it is time to start.  Then we’ll march in order of our standing positions around the edge and take our places at the archway.

The women will be waiting in the banquet hall (since it’s right next door to the ceremony site), and when the ceremony begins, they will make the long walk down the aisle towards the waiting men.  While they make their way towards us, the guys have to stand with hands clasped in front, something a bit unnatural to all of us, but we all agree that it looks a bit better than hands behind.

When Maile arrives, I have a few procedures I have to remember to perform.  First I need to “greet” Maile’s mom (who will be escorting her down the aisle), and that can be either in the form of a hug or handshake, before I take Maile’s hand that her mother gives.  Then, and this is very important, wait for Maile’s mom to step away, and then take Maile’s arm around mine and face the officiant.

The first run-through, I was too hasty and took Maile’s arm before her mom had a chance to move away.  It totally looked like I was body-checking my future mother-in-law in my eagerness to get the ceremony over with.

During the rehearsal, the matron of honor started to get teary-eyed, testament to the paper-thin walls holding back the tears.  I suppose the practice run gave her a sense of what the actual day would be like, and she started to imagine the sensations.  Now, if she were the only one, it might not be too bad, but Maile and her other bridesmaid can be affected by the mere sight of the bawling one, starting a chain reaction that threatens to upset the delicate balance of time between my standing around and my eat-drink-be-merries.  It will likely be unavoidable, but hopefully it will be minimized.

The matron of honor wasn’t the only one to be affected.  My groomsmen both expressed a bit of nervousness, afraid they might screw up the ceremony somehow with an improperly placed eyebrow.  I think, though, that after the rehearsal they feel much better about what they have to do, since it’s easy to see where they need to stand and which way to face.

It’s not quite over for them, though; both best man and groomsman have things to say during the reception, and there’s no formal rehearsal for THAT.

I went down to Bella Wedding to try on the tuxedos. I was a bit anxious because my measurements were taken more than three months ago, and within that time I had been working out some, and eating more. If the tuxedo didn’t fit, would there be enough time to make adjustments before my wedding on Sunday?

It turned out fine. There wasn’t that much of a change in my body dimensions, and as a guy I’m rather lucky that much of my attire feature adjustable straps. The only part of my outfit that wasn’t quite right was the dress shirt collar; it was too tight. It literally cut off all blood flow to my brain, which is something I thought only a hot woman could do.

Jenny, the proprietor of the boutique, said that a new shirt will be available tomorrow afternoon. That’s perfect for me, since I have to bring George in for his fitting. And if there’s an alteration for him, his tuxedo will be ready by Saturday.

Reid also came in for his fitting. The only adjustments for him were the sleeves of the jacket. That, too, will be ready by Friday.

The pants fit well and the straps on the side allows me to feel comfortable standing or sitting, or after I’ve eaten my fill.  The shoes had these inserts that made me stand taller, since I will have to stand next to Maile in her heels for wedding photos.  I think these shoes will be the closest thing I will ever wear for high heels.  The vest and tie are a deep, rose red, with a hint of a pattern so that it’s not one big solid color, and I think that will match well with the black of the jacket, pants, and shoes.  The jacket is a standard 4-button single-breasted item, but I will probably only button three of them.  I don’t recall if there’s a handkerchief, but I don’t think that will matter.

After everything was buttoned up and set in place, I looked in the three-panel mirror, taking in every angle.  Whilst doing that, only one thought crossed my mind:

…

God DAMN, I make this look GOOD.