Fear the Crab

Min called me the other night. Haven’t spoken to that dude in a dog’s age, I think. Amongst the plethora of topics, we chanced upon the subject of movies. I mentioned that I hardly watch any movies anymore. I mentioned that all the movies seem the same, but I didn’t really go into details.

I think with age, I have become less tolerant of the formula. Much like viruses developing an immunity to antibiotics, the allure of Hollywood productions fails to draw me and my money into the theater. I am no longer swayed by the names splashed across the screen or on posters and advertisements.

Sometimes the preview or commercial tells me all I need to know. Protagonist falls in love with hot, seemingly unattainable person of the opposite sex, attempts to woo , succeeds, does something to fuck it all up. Movie ends with reconciliation and kisses. Classic “You’re a fucktard, but we’ll throw you a bone and let you live happily ever after” plot.

Horror movies are also subject to the same formula. Protagonists (invariably there is a group of people all stuck in the same situation) encounter ghost/monster/serial killer and get picked off one-by-one until only a few remain, who concoct glorious scheme to defeat/banish the foe by the end of the movie.

Not only the plot is similar, but the moments of “horror” seem to be common based on two principles: jump out and say boo, or slowly approach when the subject can’t do anything about it. One is considered shocking, the other suspenseful. Sometimes the two are combined, especially in movies with ghosts or monsters that sneak about; you can tell something’s coming, but you don’t know what it is going to do or when it will appear, just that it will definitely hurt.

Even Pixar, a company known for producing rather incredible films, is subject to the fancy that is the formula. Take the most recent movie (as of this date), Ratatouille. Despite the twists and turns the plot takes, it still adheres to the basic principle of loser-guy succeeding, screwing up, and succeeding again. It’s still a decent movie, but compared to other Pixar films that really do stand on their own, Ratatouille doesn’t live up to expectations.

Of course, it’s very difficult for “alternative” movies to be made, especially when so much money is at stake. Independent films try their best, and sometimes a lot of really good indie movies get picked up by the big distributors (say, Clerks). That is not to say that indie films are the cure for the common flop, because a good portion of them really suck.

Going back to the reasons I don’t watch mainstream movies, another is that as I grow older, films no longer hold the appeal of “escapism”. I know a lot of people go to movies to be transported to a magical place, or something along those lines. When I was a teenager, this was the case.

Now I am married. Romantic dramas or comedies don’t do anything for me, because I’ve “got the girl, despite the fuck-ups.” I don’t need to see some fictional character relive my own personal experiences on the big screen.

Horror movies, whether they are shock horror or suspense, don’t hold sway over me because I know there are scarier things in reality: politics, governments, people. The last verse in Voltaire’s “Goodnight, Demonslayer” (from the album Then and Again) sums it all:

This world of ours is not as it seems
The monsters are real, but they’re not in your dreams
Learn what you can from the beasts you defeat
You’ll need it for some of the people you meet

Of course, at the very core, I don’t like horror movies because I hate being scared. I’m chicken-shit that way.