Fear the Crab

Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0

You scored as Captain Jack Sparrow. Roguish,quick-witted, and incredibly lucky, Jack Sparrow is a pirate who sometimes ends up being a hero, against his better judgement. Captain Jack looks out for #1, but he can be counted on (usually) to do the right thing. He has an incredibly persuasive tongue, a mind that borders on genius or insanity, and an incredible talent for getting into trouble and getting out of it. Maybe its brains, maybe its genius, or maybe its just plain luck. Or maybe a mixture of all three.

This morning I found some… thing, on my truck. It was on the hood, and it looked like some kind of raw hamburger, but not quite raw hamburger. It looked like it was chewed-up raw hamburger. It was a very startling sight to see first thing in the morning, but unfortunately I had no time to contemplate its universal significance because I was late for work.

So I simply shot it off my truck with the water hose. It came off easily enough, and broke apart into tiny little pieces, much like how raw hamburger would, I guess. Yet there was something else strange, for in addition to the little pieces that fell to the ground after I sprayed off my truck, was this dark, bumpy thing that looked like a link sausage. Or was it shit? I have no fuckin’ clue, and that made me stand there and stare at it.

I wasn’t about to touch it, no way. If it were a link sausage, it certainly looked strange, like it was a burnt, mutated link sausage. And what was it doing mixed in with the rest of the pink stuff? If it were a sewer log, what the fuck? And what the hell is the pink stuff?

Then I got to thinking, when and where did my truck mysteriously acquire the new hood ornament? I tried to think if it happened while I was at Maile’s house last night, but I don’t quite remember because I can’t recall if I looked at the hood of the truck when I left. The amount of.. matter.. that was on the hood seemed big enough that if I were driving I’d notice it, but I don’t remember that, either. It was dark, though, so perhaps I just couldn’t see it. So if it wasn’t last night, it must have been at my house, while I was sleeping.

How? The question of how it got there eludes me, though I have some hypotheses. One could be that it was a cat. A cat that.. maybe.. took a dump on my truck, then puked. Or puked then dumped. Or maybe the pink stuff was in the dump. Or some cat that was eating raw hamburger and a link sausage on my truck. Another hypothesis is that there’s a weirdo wandering around the neighborhood eating raw hamburger and link sausage on people’s automobiles. I don’t want to consider the hypothesis of a weirdo puking and dumping. If it happened at my house, that’s scary. If it happened at Maile’s house, that’s scary, although it’s Waipahu, so it’s not that strange. Scary, but not strange.

What disturbs me is not the question of when, where or how, but why. What possible reason could there be for some pink crap with some thing that looks like crap be on my truck? If I didn’t have to work today, I’d investigate further. But I won’t get home until later, and by then I think it will be gone. If it was food, at least.

I dreamt I was in my brother’s old room, and it was arranged how it was more than a decade ago. Against the wall was a small fish tank, a rectangular one, and rather flat as well. Not in a bowl-y type of way, but like a Phillips Magnavox flat screen monitor kind of design (4 inches thick, I believe). Anyway, there were fish in this fishtank, three small goldfish in clear water with the usual plants and rocks. But as the dream progressed, the fish kept changing. It became two goldfish and a weird white fish. Then it was one gold fish and four tiny blue fish. Perhaps it was that Dr Seuss book in my dream. But it felt like I had this fishtank for years, and I don’t remember ever feeding them. I did remember, however, that there was this box, which used to contain a self-feeding apparatus that worked on a timer. So I looked into the fishtank and there it was, a long glass tube that dispensed food to the fish so you wouldn’t have to remember to feed them. I was staring at this tube, trying to figure out how it worked, when one of the blue fish went up and nudged this thing loose, which was underneath the tube. When this thing came loose, all the food started to spill out into the water, and I thought, “Damn, that’s not going to go well.” And then the food turned into tiny tiny fish, like the size of an ant, and I realized that the tube actually contained fish which were meant for food, and these food fish were kept alive by tiny tiny plants which were also in the tube. But these food fish got out, and all the other fish, of which now there were two sturgeons, one goldfish, and about half a million tiny Kermit the Frogs (yes, all in this fishtank), they all starting gobbling up the fish and I thought, “Damn, that’s really not going to go well.” The Kermits all swam up to the top of the fish tank to say “hi ho” while the rest of the fish busied themselves by doing fishy things.

Then the dream turned weird, but I don’t remember too much of it. I am haunted by images of a bottom-feeder trying to disguise itself as a crab, and not doing that well a job of it.

I dreamt I was watching George play a video game, when it seemed as though I were watching it up close and personal. I was in the game, and the characters were moving around me in a Mario-esque type of way as they tried to get to a certain location while monsters flew by and around and dropped nasty things. One of the monsters dropped something in my direction, and then I saw a medical team arrive to treat any infections incurred by what the monsters dropped. As the characters were being treated, I looked down at my right forearm and saw what looked like two gray slimy earthworms sticking out of my skin. I tried to pull them out, but they was embedded deep as I could feel the tugging within my arm. I went up to that medical team, and one of them assisted me by literally hooking both earthworm-type thingies with small wires, and pulling them out with some device. The ends of those things popped off with no pain, but now it meant that I could remove the parts inside my arm. Even though my mind was telling me not to do it, I squeezed out my right arm like a toothpaste tube, and this black sticky substance oozed out, followed by six small rubbery nubs, like pencil erasers. I remarked to the medical team that the stupid things left six roots in me, and they seemed pretty surprised.

There was a second part to my dream, that of me being incarcerated in a strange prison. My dad worked at the prison, which meant he had to watch his son spend time in jail. My mom and my sister visited me, and my sister wanted me to help her with her doll collection by getting and sending out the various dolls I would be able to get from prison. What’s weird is that we were all haole, and I don’t have a sister. It felt pretty real, though.

I first dreamt that I had my new truck, and everyone from the dental lab wanted to come down and check it out. The only problem was, they came very late at night, when we were asleep. I woke up to show them the truck and give them all a ride, because I didn’t want my dad to get upset at them, and instead of being a pickup it was one of those multi-passenger trucks, lifted, with leather seats. I remember trying to drive it and I was having a hard time because the steering wouldn’t respond and the suspension was just too loose. Suddenly I became embarrassed because these were Maile’s friends and co-workers, and here I was making a fool of myself for getting a truck and not being able to handle it. At the same time I was getting upset at her co-workers because they kept wanting me to drive like an off-road maniac, going down dirt paths and bumps and rises. I felt the truck go off-balance and tip over, rolling end over end until it crashed against a hill. I asked if everyone was okay, and nobody responded. Then I found myself in a prison of sorts, except I was a third-person amorphous entity that was just watching. Each cell was made of concrete stone slabs with a single window, and I was visiting each one in turn and looking at its occupants. I heard a voice saying that these criminals were those that could not function properly in society, and so were condemned here for the rest of their immortal lives. The word immortal stood out, and I realized that this was an elven community, and these criminals were spending eternity locked up in cold dark cells. The voice that was speaking was one of the jailers, who was checking each cell to make sure the criminals were behaving properly. In one cell, a bunch of criminals were talking to one guard, and when the jailer checked on that cell, he asked what the guard was doing inside. There was a brief conversation, and then guard left the cell. As the two walked away, the leader of that cell’s occupants reached forward, and plucked the door key that was still inside the lock, courtesy of the guard. Then the elven criminals turned into these jelly-like, blob-shaped aliens, armed with devastating weapons. They broke out of the cells (for there were more than a few) and unleashed havoc upon the elves. I watched and moved among them as they rounded up elves and tortured, maimed and killed them all. Then I began to control the actions of one person in particular, a woman with the powers of Superman, who was busy finding stragglers and hiders. Here it turned into a roleplaying session, as I would speak the moves she would make, the words she would say, where she would go, and the woman would act it out as though I were directing a show. There was one straggler left, and he put up some resistance, and here it seemed like he wasn’t “playing by the rules” because he kept ignoring the fact that the woman had Superman powers and he was just ordinary. Yet I couldn’t do anything about his uncooperation because the game just continued. I (controlling the woman) chased the straggler around the complex, and he led me to a strange room, a training room, where he had summoned the real Superman, and I thought o shit I’m dead. I had the woman retreat full speed out of there, and Superman flew after her, just as fast down the corridors. I remember the anxiety of the chase, and thinking that the alarm should be sounded so that Superman can play with all those aliens instead of beating me up. The alarm did sound, and while Superman was distracted, I had the woman go to an area I (we) had visited earlier, which was the “end of the level.” The woman grabbed two magazines and entered into the next area, but she had to hide the magazines somewhere for later retrieval. Inside the women’s restroom, I checked various places where she could hide it, and also remember where she hid it. There was a noise outside, and I thought crap Superman and his cronies have entered this area and are going to begin a search and they’re going to find us and I’m going to be in trouble. I tried to open a locker as quietly as possible, and when I got it opened I saw that it was just a door leading to nowhere, only a blank wall with metal-like pipes. And no place to hide magazines.

I was at my house, but it was different that what it is in real life. The house was bigger, and there were more people. I remember wandering through the house, visiting all the rooms, and I somehow ended up outside a large convention center. I walked in through the loading zone, and found myself smack dab in the middle of the Kidz Bop television concert. These kids were doing little routines, singing along to the top hits. I left before I would be trapped and/or ruin that concert, and I came across Maile walking Titan. For some unknown reason, Maile was very upset with me (even though Titan was very happy to see me), and I tried to find out what had happened, what I did that caused her to be mad at me. Then a lady came up and took me by the arm, leading me somewhere because it was my turn. I was back at the convention hall where this time a game show was going on. The lady told me that I was next, so I should be ready. The contestant in front of me had to pilot a simulation helicopter while drinking a cup of water. He didn’t win, but he got a consolation prize. Then it was my turn, and I didn’t know what my task was to be. As they were announcing it, the lady informed me that my prize would be going to Tim Dilessio, the evil VP of duty free, because I work for him. That got me very upset, and I became very rude to everybody involved with the game show. When my task was announced, I discovered that it was called Manhunt, and the show staff were going to try and hunt me down before I made it to a safe zone. I had never heard of this game, nor did I know how to “play” it, but IL found myself outside in my garage and all the cars were gone. It was nighttime, and the show was still playing inside the house. Another lady walked up to me and asked, “Any university?” to which I replied, “yes.” She yelled out “Any university!” back to the house, letting them know that I had chosen as my safe zone any university campus. I immediately took off running down the street, where it was surprisingly crowded with people. I found myself slowing down so as not to draw suspicion, and I remember being in a group of Y—– Giants baseball players. They were local, but they were complaining to me how Japanese always confused them with the Yomiuri Giants, as if they were an expansion team that played in Hawaii. I kept up a pleasant conversation with them, even though I could hear the helicopters in the background and I knew those copters were coming for me. I found myself in town, and it was daylight, and the streets were crowded, and all the time I could hear those helicopters. I knew that I was close to a university campus, because I had visited that campus some time ago and recognized the area. Before I could cross the street, I heard the helicopter coming in low, so I ducked behind a tree even though my body was screaming for me to cross the street running. I knew that if I started to cross, they would see me and it’d be over. As I hid behind the tree, I peeked out and saw that there were actually two helicopters, and they started to land to unload the “search team,” these people in jeans and brown t-shirts who were assigned to capture me. I started to take a roundabout path towards the university campus, but it seemed as though no matter where I went, those man hunters were always around, even though they couldn’t see me. I managed to summon up my courage, and wait for them to pass before “following them” and blending into the crowd. At least, that was my plan, but I don’t know how it turned out as the dream ended.

This woman was trying to teach me how to surf. We were at a river, which was calm and not too choppy, and I was told to go out there while she stayed on the riverbed. Strangely enough, there were waves on the river, so I was able to catch some. Then the wind shifted, and instead of waves moving towards shore, the waves went downstream. I was able to catch some waves going that way, and eventually ended up in another part of town where this girl asked me if I could surf in Norway. The woman who was teaching me said that of course I could surf in Norway, and I kept trying to imagine how a river in Norway would be and whether or not the waves would be as big as this. Then the three of us were at this gymnasium, me still with my surfboard, and we were trying to avoid the members of this karate dojo. It seemed this dojo had taken up the entire gym, and were similar to what you’d find in a bad karate movie (evil sensei, evil students, etc). My entire dream seemed to turn into a bad karate movie, complete with awful auto-dubbed English dialogue, as the three of us tried to sneak our way around the gymnasium without alerting the evil karate students and their masters. I even had fast-fowards where this one guy snooped through the evil sensei’s room to look for clues as to the dojo’s purpose (in life, I guess), and ended up getting killed by the master himself for his insolence.

I don’t remember too much of my dream, except for a scene where a strange man cut me across the abdomen with a this rusty steel bar. He didn’t cut me open, but try running something like a ruler across your stomach and that’s what it felt like.

I was in Longs with a whole bunch of co-workers. We were there because we were on our way to the beach, and we wanted to get things. Strangely enough, the items we were getting had nothing to do with the beach at all, and we were all in our duty free uniforms. I remember browsing the shelves for things that I wanted, and as I walked around, I traveled close to the windows and the door that lead outside. I looked outside to see what the weather was like, when suddenly I didn’t look where I was going and ended up nearly stepping out of the store with a basket full of merchandise. Thankfully I managed to steer away from certain doom before I crossed the line, but I kept thinking that Longs was going to send a security guard to check up on me. While browsing for gum, I noticed an undercover security officer trailing me. But I wasn’t hiding anything, and if he approached me I was going to tell him the truth, that I wasn’t watching where I was going, and in my dream that actually would have worked.

I went to pay, and was standing behind two other customers. It was odd that Longs’ registers were all inside little booths, and these booths formed a circular island in the middle of the store. There were these separators that you’d find at airports or Disneyland, which would accommodate long lines. The first customer left, then the second mentioned something to the sales clerk, and the two of them left the store. Those of us in line, especially me since I was next, began to wonder what was going on. I looked over to the door, and noticed that there were four sales clerks standing around there, just talking. Meanwhile, everybody else was done with their shopping, and they came by to see what was taking so long. I explained what was happening, as far as I could tell it, then I noticed that the line was getting super long, even at some of the other registers.

Eventually the sales clerk came back, and I got ready to pay. Unfortunately, she came back with another customer, and took her in front of everybody so she could be rung up. This happened twice more, and apparently it’s because this dream Longs had special 10-minute parking stalls for customers, meaning that if you parked there, you had top priority to be serviced because you only had 10 minutes. At this point I was getting quite upset, especially after being snubbed in line and all the other sales clerks not doing anything to help out. Irene and Min kept coming by to find out what was taking so long, and even Maile came into the store. Finally it was my turn, and strangely instead of having a basket full of little knick knacks, I was buying a pair of boots that in reality I got a couple weeks ago. My dream total ended up being over 200 dollars for one pair of boots. When I was done with my transaction, I stepped one window over to their service counter, where a young man was there. I asked if he was the manager, and he said yes. I then proceeded to tell him everything that went wrong with my visit. I said that I could understand how the clerks needed to service those people in the 10-minute stalls, but that left no excuse to have four other clerks standing around talking story while the line gets longer and longer. The manager seemed sympathetic.

However, before he could do anything or say anything in response, I found myself watching an anime cartoon detailing the end of a futuristic civilization. There was some sort of nuclear blast, or that’s what I was led to believe judging from what I was seeing. I remember the scene was underground, and there was a subway train that transported people to different sections of the underground city. There was no sound (it was a dramatic moment, I guess), and I felt that this cartoon was really cool because of the way they drew and how they wove their story. When the subway doors opened, no one came out, but rather this melting heat wave spilled out and turned the area into an oven. Even the walls were melting.

Here, the details of my dream are blurry, but I do remember an escape pod containing a robot and a monkey, crash landing on a planet. The monkey survived, but the robot did not, and the robot was the only thing that could tell the monkey what to do on this new planet. The monkey then turned into a group of five people, all trying to figure out their role on this new planet (which looked like Earth). I was among those people, and I remember opening up the flood gates in our yard and watching all this water spill out into the street. We wanted to judge the peoples’ reaction, and their reaction was to throw baseballs through our windows. I got rather sick of that, so I decided to leave and take a walk down the street, which led me to be find myself…

…in Longs, with a whole bunch of co-workers. We were there because we were on our way to the beach, and we wanted to get things. Strangely enough…

That little loop forced me out of my dream, with help from a power saw.