Fear the Crab

I love Maile. I always will.

Yet I think I lost a part of her today, or perhaps I lost a part of myself that I thought I could give to her.

Maile has always been independent, from the elementary school days. She learned to be self-sufficient, to not have to rely on someone and be pigeon-holed into a role she did not want. I came to this realization recently, although I think I’ve always known, just never really thought about it. This also makes me realize that I cannot be the person that supports her, that gives her a shoulder to cry on or an ear that listens, because she will not accept it. She feels that if she has a problem, she will take care of it herself.

That is a commendable spirit, and I hold a lot of respect for her, and her ability to take care of matters. However, it makes me feel.. useless. Like nothing more than a meat-puppet she can parade to her friends. I know she loves me, she’s said as much and done way more to show it. I just wish I could be her complement, that part of her she can rely on that just so happens to be a man who thinks of her as his complement.

Maile does not ask for help in matters that are “important” to her. Homework? Important, yes, but nothing compared to real-life issues. Sometimes she tells me about them, the problems, and sometimes, though rarely, she will ask me what she should do. I offer my advice, my parables, my logic, my wisdom, my experience, to help her assess the situation and make a decision or take a course of action that will turn that problem into a beneficial convenience, or at least a life lesson. Unfortunately, my words are met with I can’t, I won’t, or I don’t want to. All this does is make me feel like my words don’t matter, which brings back images of dangling meat puppets on strings.

Today, I came to the somber realization that she does not want, nor does she need, my help. This realization was after an uncomfortable moment of figuring out why emotions were running high. So we had a talk. And I have to face the fact that I can only offer my support if she truly desires it. This I said to her, and it broke my heart. Perhaps that’s a little strong, but it felt like it. I can’t give her my support if she doesn’t need it, or maybe she doesn’t want it. If she feels that she needs her own private time, her own personal space, then the best thing for me to do is let her have it. Even if it means that I will not see her for five or six weeks.

Given our current work, and upcoming school, schedules, we rarely have time to see each other, much less spend some time together. At the Lab I only see her for about an hour, or half an hour. Then she gets home at around 1700 and exercises. Once that is done, I could visit and see her, but by that time it’s around 1930 and that means I can only spend about two hours with her. Basically and hi-and-bye sort of deal, to me. And since she doesn’t want me around when she exercises, it means that at a certain point in the morning and late afternoon, I shouldn’t be there. So to me, it seems that I will not see her, at all.

The thing is, she’s fine with that. It’s testament to her independence that she can do that. I, on the other hand, am almost opposite, where I need to have that “safety net” behind me that I can use if things get dicey.

I shared this bit of my life experience with her, that while I have lived independently for a time, it was only during college, and it was “sanitized.” By that I mean that I always had some place or someone to fall back on if things got rough. I was living in the dorms or in university-owned houses. If something required repair, the U would take care of it. Rent was part of the tuition. I had a meal plan, and if I cooked it was only for that day, and I would grocery shop only for those ingredients (or to buy alcohol). And during the summer and winter breaks, I came back to Hawai’i where my family was. So I have never been at a point in my life where the only person I could rely on was myself, and I don’t hide that, either. I had family, I had friends, and I had a roof over my head if things got rough.

Given that experience, I want to be a person that other people could rely on. I want to be a person that someone could know was available anytime to turn to for aid. I don’t do it because I want something in return; I do it because I think, I feel, it is the RIGHT thing to do. There’s a sense of security knowing that in a time of need, there is someone you can trust to help.

I want to be that security for Maile. I want to be that person she can rely on, to be that person that she knows would be available at any time. And I want her to know that no matter what she thinks of my advice, whether or not she will accept it, or whether or not she feels it’s important.. No matter what, I want her to know that I will be there.

I tried to tell her this once, but I got the impression that I was making a funny, so I didn’t push the matter. Actually, I think she was busy with something at the time, like cooking dinner, and couldn’t grant me her full attention. I’ll have to work on my timing for my next attempt.