Fear the Crab

I was driving for work today when I had a few random thoughts. One in particular involved this so-called “controversy” over whether or not figure skating, gymnastics, cheerleading, etc, can be considered “sports.”

I would tend to say no. First let me state that I highly agree (and I’m sure everybody else does) that these people are athletes. They undergo a strict discipline of mental and physical preparation and are very good at what they do. They have to be in the best shape and can perform acts that I couldn’t do. So yes, they are athletes.

But I don’t think that what they do is “sport.” To me I think it more as an “event.” I define sport as being a contest that pits one side against another, with clear-cut rules as to how one side wins. I’m sure you can see my reasoning when I use football, hockey, even boxing, as examples of sports.

Gymnastics and figure skating are events, where their performance is judged by observers. And observers, no matter how much they may say so, are not impartial. What might impress one judge may draw a yawn from the other. Sure, they throw in 10 or so judges so you can have an average account of a person’s performance, but that’s it. It’s still a judgement call, like the Emmy’s or Grammy’s or whatever award shows they have out there. In fact, all those events are simply award shows, not unlike film critics looking at all the movies and then deciding which one deserves the prize.

So no, I don’t think they are sports. However, I do have a suggestion as to what can qualify them as sports, and I’ll use pairs figure skating as an example. Throw two teams onto the same ice rink. Tell them that they have a certain number of moves they must complete, such as all those axels and triple sow-cows and what not. Each maneuver has a certain point value associated with it; the more difficult the maneuver, the more points you get. Tell them there is a timer, maybe 3 minutes. The goal is to perform as many maneuvers as you can (successfully!) within the alloted time and scoring the most points.

To make it exciting, each team has the option to try and prevent the other team from performing a move. Here, the Harding/Kerrigan tactics come into play. If you can stop the other team from scoring, while at the same time you score points based on your moves, then at the end of the match you deserve to win.

Figure skating martial arts.

You can apply this to all the others, too. Imagine a team of cheerleaders trying to do their stuff while the other team of cheerleaders sends “slicers” to take out legs. Gymnasts use their ribbons and batons to disrupt their opponents’ concentration.

For those of you in the know, this smacks highly of Ranma 1/2.

Yet you have to agree, the winter olympics would certainly be much more entertaining.