Fear the Crab

I have decided to donate to the Aloha United Way (AUW). Every year our company holds a fund-raising drive to give monies to AUW. Aside from the huli-huli chicken sales, baked goods and other commodes, they give us a little authorization form to deduct a specific amount of monies from our paychecks. We can either have them take out one big lump sum, or take out each paycheck.

I have decided to donate a penny. $0.01. And I will request that this penny be removed only once, from my February 28th paycheck. That’s correct, I’m giving one huge penny as a one-time donation to AUW. And it won’t even be a penny that I’ll physically have up my ass, or wherever it is one keeps their pennies. No, it’s going to be a virtual penny that exists in cyberworld, to be removed from a cyborg paycheck that deposits directly into my bank (the amount, not the actual paycheck).

My reasoning is because I haven’t gotten any raise in the past two years, whereas before I was satisfied with even a nickel increase in my hourly wages. My hours have been reduced, from 40 to 38 to 35 to 19 hours per week. I try and scrape by while our glorious Mr Brennan makes 35-minute videos where he probably flaunts his bling-bling, all the while telling us to gear up for another year of economic hardship (I haven’t seen it yet). Ol’ Mr DiLessio tells us that he doesn’t care about shoplifters, because our profits can cover those losses. So, on behalf of Mr Brennan and Mr DiLessio, I am donating one penny. They can cover the rest.